At the Razor’s Edge

Why I am suffering from Procrastination

When I typed my last post, I said I had Nothing To Write.  At that time it was true.  My family had just suffered a loss and we were all feeling shitty, so it’s not surprising that, despite  usually being able to write a lot (it is the way I sort out my feelings), I couldn’t put pen to paper.

Now it is a slightly different story.

I have started to write again and get my work done, but, although I can put pen to paper and produce reams and reams of stuff, I just can’t be assed to post it.  It’s like that one last step is unobtainable for some reason or other.

Okay, this is depression causing me to feel this way.   It’s like being a kamikaze pilot (and not beign bothered to find out if you spelled that word right…).  Your mission is to sabotage all you have worked so hard for.  But in my case, I know that I don’t have to die on this mission.  I could just turn around and make things ok.

All I would have to do is type up those notes and post the damn things!  All the thinking work is done.  All I need to do now is the ‘robotic’ stuff and earn a living doing it.

But I can’t.

Mission accomplished it seems…

I am a person who finds writing easy.  My main problem has always been that I write too much.  I know that people will probably blank out before they get to the end of my post, but I find it hard to stop writing, or to precise what I want to say.

So I usually write long blog posts.  SEO experts would say it helps anyway…

But I am in a dilemma.  I have nothing I feel like saying at the moment.  And that is definitely a first!

The reason for this?

I am not only all blogged out, I am also probably suffering from depression caused by over work, money problems, and a horrible tragedy that has just hit my family.

But somehow I have to find something to write about.

I have hundreds of blogs, many of which need individual handwritten posts.  I have new websites to set up for customers, and I have websites to write content for.

It’s just finding somewhere to begin.

Which is why I have written this post.  It’s a kind of a start…

Last time I came in here, things were going a bit better.  Life was still a series of trials, but the stuff I was doing to make things better was paying off.

So I said so.

Shouldn’t have done that!

The new business seems to be stuck in a ‘no payout’ phrase, despite the hours and hours of sheer hard work I am putting in to it.  People say it’s okay - you have to go with the peaks and troughs, but they probably don’t need to pay their outstanding bills quite as urgently as we do.

My partner is getting more and more stressed by the day and is giving me real cause for concern, but if I voice my concerns to him it will only stress him out more!  I just have to let him know I care … and try to sort things out as much as I can myself.

I don’t even dare suggest that things may pick up soon, because there is no guarantee that they will.

I knew I shouldn’t have said what I did last time I was here …

I found this blog again today.  I had almost forgotten about it!

But there again I have been busy.  The ‘project’ is going reasonably well (touch wood, whistle and whatever else you have to do to ward of fate getting in the way and making life shit), and, apart from family life being its usual mess, it’s ok…. I guess…

Not much more to say really, now I’m in here at the writing board.

Oh well.  Better get on with other stuff I suppose!  

So I got over the ‘bad patch’ and said "sod it" about not getting any help with my project and just got on with it myself.

And it began to work!  Not fantastic at first, but enough to make it all worthwhile.  At that stage, my partner got involved too.  He was nowhere near as involved as me (it was my ‘baby’ anyway), but it was nice to feel we were doing something to sort ourselves out again.

But as usual things happened … mainly financial, so any gain my project made was immediately eaten up by bills.

Nowadays I have to keep the project going, whether I want to or not!   But that’s not so bad when things work out.

Then we got a virus in our computer (not from me ….)

We’ve had it cleaned by experts and the pc is safe and clear of all known bugs (apart from those I pick up just by going online…) but it has damaged our hard drive and things work v e r y s l o w l y ….

So now, I have to do my project on the net every day …. o n l y i t  t a k e s  3 t i m e s a s l o n g a s i t  s h o u l d ….. 

If anyone tells me "onwards and upwards", or any ‘positive’ shit, I will tell them just where they can stick it!  

Okay, let’s make a list of ‘problems’, maybe then I can sift through them and find a solution …. of sorts.

1. Absolutely no money.

2. Credit card has been scammed so I have had to cancel it and now I wait for a new one (and even when I get it money is still a huge problem).

3. The ‘project’ I began has had limited results and will take a long time (if ever) to provide good ones.

4. I have been working almost 24/7 on my ‘project’ and now I am completely worn out.

5. Our car has broken down, miles from our home and is in a garage (miles from our home of course) awaiting repair - but the repair will probably cost more money than we can afford.

6. We live miles from anywhere and need a car just to get life’s essentials (and to get to our bank to get the new credit card - which, btw, is actually a debit card so there’s no money to be gained from there except what we have in our account already).

7. It is usually me who comes up with solutions, but I am shattered and cannot think straight (and even if I could, I think we have tried them all already).

8. Because of all these problems (and the ones I have mentioned are only a few of them ….) I cannot sleep.

9. I have few people I can ask for help and the one person I do need help from is as out of solutions as I am, and it’s usually me who tries to ‘remain strong’ so that the other person doesn’t get stressed out.  And as for the few others, I really don’t want to ask them for help as it will just worry them (especially when there is nothing they can do)

10. To be honest, no one is going to be able to help anyway, they have enough problems of their own.

11.  I just don’t know what the fuck to do! 

 So much for the list helping ……

I haven’t written here for a while.  The last time I wrote I was actually a little positive, thinking we had found something that would work, something that would make life a little easier.

Well of course it didn’t.

I have tried and tried - in fact I’m still trying to get ‘my great plan’ to work …. but it isn’t going to.  I don’t truly honestly deep down think it will anyway.

People may say I’m a pessimist and that’s why things don’t work out.  Well, let them be in my position for a while and they may get doubts too.

What can I say?

Shit Happens.

With regularity …. 

I may just have found something that works. Something that involves us both.  Something that uses my ‘tendency to procrastinate’ productively (but isn’t that a contradiction in terms?). 

It’s the ‘project’ I was writing about the other day.  I’ve started setting it up now, and it might just work.

Although knowing our luck it won’t.

But let’s be positive here - if I can be. 

It’s a start.

Of sorts.

I found a way to make our relationship better.  I found it quite by accident, just browsing the internet as is my way lately, constantly browsing.

I found something we could share; work on together.  And you were interested.  We spent quite a while discussing our plans, and then you made a start on them.

But what did I do?  I went online, said I was setting some things up to help.  And then I just kept browsing places I’d been before, making the odd comment in different forums, generally just browsing around.  

And I’ve just ended up here again, typing this entry. When I really should be getting on with our plan - the plan which I instigated - the plan which was supposed to help to ‘get us together’ again.

And now it’s much too late and I must go to bed.

Maybe I can begin my part of the plan tomorrow.

If I don’t just keep browsing.

And procrastinating………………………………….. 

I suppose I’m sat here typing this because I am confused.  I have someone who loves me.  I have family who love me.  But at the moment it takes all my strength to be nice to any of them.  Yet I love them all dearly.

It takes all my energy just to get up in the mornings and then all my willpower to go to bed.  I just don’t want to go to sleep.  I can sleep. I just don’t want to.  So it’s probably making me ill and I should be more worried about it.  But that would take energy and I don’t have any of that to spare right now.

And as I type this post my hands are already feeling tied.  I could say some of the things that I think are making me feel this way.  But then I might be found out.  Someone somewhere might just recognise me.  

And some of the things that are making me feel this way, if said, could cause trouble and stress for others.  That isn’t my intention.  So where does that leave me?

To a private site maybe?

But I’ve already said (and meant) that I don’t want that. 

                            credit 

Guess I’ll just have to decide whether I ‘tell all’, or whether I let it fester inside.

But to do the latter would not get me out of this rut.

More thought required then.